What is Grief?

Experts advise those grieving to realize they cannot control the process and to prepare for varying stages of grief. Understanding why they are suffering can help, as can talking to others and trying to resolve issues that cause significant emotional pain, such as feeling guilty for a loved one's death.

Mourning can last for months or years. Generally, pain softens as time passes, and the bereaved adapts to life without a loved one, to the news of a terminal diagnosis, or to the realization that someone they love may die. If you are uncertain whether your grieving process is normal, consult your healthcare professional. Outside help is sometimes beneficial to people trying to recover and adjust to a death or diagnosis of a terminal illness.

The Process of Grief

Because grief obeys its trajectory, there is no timetable for feelings of pain after loss; nor is it possible to avoid suffering altogether. Attempts to suppress or deny grief are just as likely to prolong the process while demanding additional emotional effort.

There is no proper way to grieve. I can share from personal experience that it is a process of digesting all the emotions that move thru your body. For some people, grief is a short-term phenomenon known as acute grief, although the pain may return unexpectedly later. But other individuals may experience prolonged grief, also known as complicated grief, lasting months or years. Without help and support, such grief can lead to isolation and chronic loneliness.

What are the symptoms of grief?

For both the person facing death and survivors after the end of a loved one, it is natural to experience many symptoms of grief. These can include:

Physical symptoms:

• Lack of energy or fatigue

• Headaches and upset stomach

• Excessive sleeping or overworking and excessive activity

Emotional symptoms:

• Memory lapses, distraction, and preoccupation

• Irritability

• Depression and feelings of euphoria

• Extreme anger or feelings of being resigned to the situation

Spiritual symptoms:

• Feelings of being closer to God or feelings of anger and outrage at God

• Strengthening of faith or questioning of faith

It is natural for people who are facing death and those they leave behind to move through many stages of grief. For survivors, the grieving process can last for several months or 2 to 3 years or more. The stages of grief do not necessarily fall into a set order and vary significantly from person to another. If you or a loved one is experiencing a grieving period that feels too heavy to process in your time frame, you may want to seek professional counseling to assist you through the process.

Who Created The Stages of Grief?

The five stages of grief are also known as the Kübler-Ross model. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist whose work centered around terminally ill patients. In 1969, she wrote On Death and Dying, which introduced the five stages of grief. However, it has been demonstrated that many, if not most, people will not progress through these stages. While some people do experience the stages, and eventually reach acceptance after a loss, grief is now understood to be highly individualized and unpredictable.

The Five Stages of Grief Are…

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

The first stage in this model is denial. This stage can be especially troubling for family and friends of the person grieving because it often doesn’t reflect reality. Friends and family may feel frustrated with a loved one who is in denial. They may also worry that the weight of their loss may come crashing down on the person at any minute. But we enter this stage of denial to prevent the weight of loss to come crashing down on us.

Denial becomes unhealthy only when it prevents someone from moving through the other stages of grief. At some point, a person will have to face the reality of their loss and process their emotions accordingly. It’s certainly painful, but it’s the only way to move through grief and come out a stronger and more accepting person.

Examples of the denial stage

• Breakup or divorce: “They’re just upset. This will be over tomorrow.”

• Job loss: “They were mistaken. They’ll call tomorrow to say they need me.”

• Death of a loved one: “She’s not gone. She’ll come around the corner any second.”

• Terminal illness diagnosis: “This isn’t happening to me. The results are wrong.”

Anger

The next stage of grief is anger. This is another feeling that prevents us from addressing grief head-on. We may transform our grief into anger and direct it toward the person who we lost, the world at large, or even things that have nothing to do with the loss.

Anger allows us to work through emotions without being completely vulnerable. Unfortunately, this can cause tension for friends and family who may not be grieving as intensely. Anger can push away the people who are here to support us through this time. Again, anger is natural, but can become unhealthy. But once the anger is exhausted, a person can face their emotions head-on and ask for help.

Examples of the anger stage

• Breakup or divorce: “I hate him! He’ll regret leaving me!”

• Job loss: “They’re terrible bosses. I hope they fail.”

• Death of a loved one: “If she cared for herself more, this wouldn’t have happened.”

• Terminal illness diagnosis: “Where is God in this? How dare God let this happen!”

Bargaining

Bargaining is the third step of grief. During the stages of denial and anger, we avoid vulnerability. But a person grieving cannot avoid being vulnerable for long. Bargaining is a person’s last-ditch effort to regain control over their situation and avoid vulnerability.

Examples of the bargaining stage

• Breakup or divorce: “If only I had spent more time with her, she would have stayed.”

• Job loss: “If only I worked more weekends, they would have seen how valuable I am.”

• Death of a loved one: “If only I had called her that night, she wouldn’t be gone.”

• Terminal illness diagnosis: “If only we had gone to the doctor sooner, we could have stopped this.”

Depression

Depression is the fourth stage of grief, but it’s the one that we most commonly associate with loss and the grieving process. During this stage, the person faces their loss head-on. They become vulnerable and feel overwhelmed with sadness.

Again, while this is natural for someone experiencing grief, it can be dangerous. Depression may lead to suicide or other destructive behaviors. If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) today and speak to a counselor.

Examples of the depression stage

• Breakup or divorce: “Why go on at all?”

• Job loss: “I don’t know how to go forward from here.”

• Death of a loved one: “What am I without her?”

• Terminal illness diagnosis: “My whole life comes to this terrible end.”

Acceptance

Fortunately, there is light at the end of a dark tunnel. The final stage of grief is acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t equate to happiness or complete healing. They are just ready to move forward with their life, knowing that these changes may have changed the direction of their life or will impact their life moving forward.

The five stages of grief suggest that there is a path that we may follow while experiencing grief. But grief ultimately looks different when experienced by different people. If you are experiencing loss, reach out to family and friends for support. Reach out to a professional for help. It is possible to move on after a loved one’s death or an especially heart-wrenching breakup. You may just need some support along the way.

Examples of the acceptance stage

• Breakup or divorce: “Ultimately, this was a healthy choice for me.”

• Job loss: “I’ll be able to find a way forward from here and can start a new path.”

• Death of a loved one: “I am so fortunate to have had so many wonderful years with him, and he will always be in my memories.”

• Terminal illness diagnosis: “I have the opportunity to tie things up and make sure I get to do what I want in these final weeks and months.”

Just because a person has begun to accept their reality doesn’t mean the grieving process is “done.” Denial, anger, or any of the other stages may still be present after a person has entered acceptance. It is also normal for a person to experience these stages “out of order.”

From my heart to yours, grief is a process that has no time line. I encourage you to take the time you need to be selfish and love your self, heal. Nothing takes away the pain, no substance can bring back what has been taken and left your heart empty. I can offer my own personal journey of loss to encourage you to take the time to heal and allow your feelings to process the emotions.

Losing someone close to you is one of the most dreadful things that can happen to anyone. It’s an incredibly stressful event that can cause tremendous emotional distress. Until the next post, " How to restore inner peace after losing a loved one." Be present and breathe.